用户:王宏启/你能改变的和不能改变的

— 获得了解差别的智慧

Butterflies emerge from an amazing metamorphosis

介绍

我们花太多的时间、浪费太多的精力去无意义地尝试改变那些我们不能改变的事情。。这是挫折与其它各种愤怒的一个主要原因。决定我们能改变什么和不能改变什么的理性证据太多太多，但我们行为上经常试图对此无视(逻辑的理由）。基于交互模型架构中底部两层的行为是不可能改变的，而在更高层上可能改变。本课程可能能帮你解决这个问题，减少你的挫折感，并增加你的心理平静。

目标

Completion status: this resource is considered to be complete.

本课程的目标是帮你：

• 识别什么是你能改变的
• 停止浪费精力在那些你不能改变的事情上
• 减少你的挫折感
• 增加你遇事泰能处之的心态
• 识别可能性
• 增加你的情感能力

本课程是情感能力课程的一部分。这份材料改编自 EmotionalCompetency.com 网站的What You Can Change and What You Cannot页面，并得到了作者的许可。

如果你愿意联系导师，请点击 这儿 给导师发一封电子邮件或在讨论页留下评论或问题。

你能改变的事情

当你有那么多事情可以改变的时候，为什么要浪费时间在无意义地尝试那些你所不能改变的事情呢？下面是一些你能改变的事情的不完全清单。

你要做什么

• 你现在的行为
• 你将来的行为
• 你如何响应他人的行为
• 你如何打发自己的时间
• 你跟谁——你保持的朋友、你参与并维护的一段关系——一起共度时光
• 你如何应用你的天才与力量.
• 你选择要获取、发展与应用的优势
• 你对道德的把握
• 能力性、驱动力、承诺、韧性和焦点
• 所聚焦的事情,
• 你等待谁
• 你许下的承诺和你辜负的人
• 你的营养与健康状态
• 好的和坏的习惯
• 你所做出的选择
• 你做的准备与计划
• 冲动控制,
• 廉正、真诚、一致性、互惠原则
• 你的诚实,
• 你选择的路
• 你烦忧他人的行为
• 你生活、工作、娱乐的地方，你的职业
• 你对自己的责任心，和你所责备的人
• 什么时候你会满足、默许、服从、屈服、反叛、抗议和吹口哨
• 你在哪购物、如何消费及储蓄
• 你在什么时候或如何使用自己的权力
• 对自己重新评估, 道歉, 原谅, 放手和负责
• 决定尽自己最大的努力，或不太努力

Leaves change to wonderful autumn colors.

你与他人交流什么

• 你说什么， 如何说, 对谁说, 什么时候说
• 你所表达的真实性
• 你使用的 对话方式,
• 你跟谁打招呼，以及如何与他们打招呼
• 面部表情, 身体语言, 手工, 姿势,
• 形象, 穿着, 和个人卫生,
• 你投射的心理态度
• 你所写的、说的和分享的
• 你选择要发展的falsehoods
• 你传播的八卦
• 你散布的谣言
• 你包容谁、排斥谁
• 你的公众形象,
• 你所逃避的和喜欢的话题，你什么时候有耐心，什么时候不耐烦
• 真实的信息，和欺骗性的、操纵的、不完整的、虚假的信息
• 你的承诺，你什么时候接受，什么时候拒绝
• 你喜欢谁，你信任谁，你讨厌谁，你不信任谁
• 你的忠诚
• 权力关系的对称性，包括：尊敬、尊重、讨好、屈就、领导力或不尊重
• 你尊重谁，又对谁不恭
• 你对什么愿意宽容，你又坚持什么
• 你会打扰谁，又允许被谁打扰
• The trust you extend 以及你赢得谁的信任.

What you know:

• Facts you have gathered,
• Understanding,
• The evidence you consider,
• The theory of knowledge you use to choose your beliefs.
• The beliefs you hold.
• Expertise, skills, and how you apply your talents,
• Literacy, logic, quantitative skills, domain knowledge,
• What you study, read, listen to, and learn,
• What you question and what you accept,
• Your self-image, including your understanding of your authentic self.

How you think:

• Your values and goals.
• What you believe,
  • stereotypes,
  • religious beliefs,
  • loyalty
• The assumptions you make, the questions you ask,
• How you know how you know,
• The ideologies you accept,
• Who you trust,
• The points of view you adopt,
  • Your worldview,
• What you value, how you evaluate information, the priorities you set, what you want.
• The focus of your attention, what you regard as important and what you regard as unimportant, your priorities.
• Your mood, attitude, and point of view,
• Your explanatory style; optimistic or pessimistic,
• The alternatives you generate and consider,
• How you balance inquiry and advocacy,
• Your level of innovation,
• Your compassion, empathy, and understanding of others.
• Your level of skepticism, and openness to new ideas
• Interest, investigation, imagination, and curiosity,
• How you choose friends and who you regard as friends,
• Who you choose as enemies, and who you fear,
• Your willingness or refusal to hate others,
• Who you love and who you decide to hate.
• How you learn,
• Your level of emotional competency.
• The integrated and introjected regulations you maintain and respond to.

What you hope, dream, and aspire to:

• Your goals,
• Your hopes and aspirations,
• Your role models.
• How you envision the future.

Assignment

1. Based on the lists above, identify things you can change that would improve your well-being.
2. Choose one or two things from the above list you would like to change.
3. Make those changes.

Things You Cannot Change

We need to accept those things we cannot change.

You cannot change: the past, your history, the laws of physics, facts, the weather, human nature (yours or others), personality traits (yours or others), another person's beliefs or thoughts (unless they choose to change), someone who doesn't want to change, who you are related to, human needs, sexual preference, your talent, and things you do not acknowledge.

Don't waste time and energy trying to change these things. Recognize and accept what you cannot change and move on with your life. Perhaps this amusing story can help you decide when it is in your best interest to change course and yield to an immovable object or accept some permanent condition.

Assignment

1. Based on the lists above, identify things you cannot change that you have not yet accepted.
2. Let them go.

Things you may be able to change

You may be able to change another person's behavior if they decide they would like your help in making a change they have decided to work on. Perhaps you can influence them.

Habits and other behavior caused by classical conditioning or operant conditioning can be extinguished by systematic exposure to carefully chosen stimulus and carefully controlling your response.

Vital Distinctions

You can change what you want, but you cannot change what you need.

You cannot change another person, but you can change how you treat them, how you react to them, your opinions and judgments of them, and your relationship with them.

You cannot change the past, but you can reappraise, apologize, forgive, let go, take responsibility for yourself, learn, purge introjected regulations, change the present and the future, and move forward.

Locus of Control

If you do poorly on a college exam, how do you explain the bad outcome? Perhaps you think: “I did not study long and hard enough. I did not ask clarifying questions in class or seek out the teacher after class. I did not review my notes in depth, this is my fault”. Or you might think: “The teacher is bad and does not care, he does not explain the material or answer questions. The author of the text book is worse; he couldn't write clearly to save his life. Also, why was the test given at 8 am the Friday before the big weekend? Clearly the teacher is to blame.” Finally you might attribute it all to fate and bad luck: “This was just not meant to be. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this outcome. I just seem to get all the bad luck. What can I do?”

This example illustrates the three possible modes or tendencies people have for attributing locus of control—where you tend to assign causes for events in your life. The first example, “I am responsible” is typical of an internalizer. The second, “It is the teacher's fault”, is typical of an externalizer, and the final example, “it is all just luck” is typical of someone who attributes events to chance. In fact, most outcomes actually result from a combination of internal and external causes, and perhaps some chance. However, each of us will tend toward one of these three styles: internalizer, externalizer, or chance, as we explain events. People who are high in the personality trait of conscientiousness tend to be internalizers and take personal responsibilityfor events, good or bad. People low in conscientiousness tend to be externalizers or attribute it all to chance; it is not their responsibility. Each of these viewpoints are examples of the fallacy of the single cause. Because many causes typically contribute to any outcome, the best determination comes from a careful analysis of the evidence.

A careful analysis of cause and effect can help determine what you can change and what you cannot. Internalizers may be trying to change what they cannot. They may be taking responsibility for events, good or bad, that are out of their control. Externalizers may be frustrated by feeling they cannot change anything and be quick to blame others. They may be avoiding responsibility and overlooking opportunities they have to make useful changes. People who attribute it all to chance are powerless, playing the victim, acting helpless, and behaving like they don't have any choices. The authentic response is based on an accurate knowledge of who you are and what you are capable of controlling. Strike a realistic balance between arrogance—it is all because of me, and victim—there is nothing I can do.

Assignment

1. Recall a time when you blame others for some misfortune.
2. Reframe the event from the viewpoint of an internal locus of control.
3. Recall a time when you blame yourself for some misfortune.
4. Reframe the event from the viewpoint of an external locus of control.
5. What story is more accurate?

Ambivalence

Do you want to stop smoking or not? On the one hand you understand the health risks, costs, filth, growing opposition, and inconvenience of smoking. On the other hand however, you have smoked for years, enjoy the calm it creates, immerse yourself in the rituals it provides, identify with it, and have been physically unable to stop each time you have tried. You have denied the harm, distorted the facts, indulged in confabulation, and almost convinced yourself that smoking is good for you. This is the essence of ambivalence—literally “both feelings”—torn between wanting to change and not wanting to change. Ambivalence is very common; losing weight, seeking medical treatment, changing jobs, limiting drinking or gambling, dumping your boyfriend, getting more exercise, changing jobs, and buying a new car all invite mixed emotions.

Resolving ambivalence is the first step toward change. People do not change when they are stuck in ambivalence. Clarifying the discrepancy between alternatives is essential for resolving ambivalence. When people assess for themselves the benefits of change over the status quo, they begin to resolve their ambivalence. When we can clearly see for ourselves the benefits of the new path over the old we become ready for change. The choice has to originate from within; attempts to coerce change typically fail.

People change when they are ready, willing, and able to. People are willing to change when they firmly decide to leave the past behind and make a new future. This happens when they understand the discrepancy between their goals and their present state and they autonomously choose to close that gap. They overcome denial and resistance and now are committed to the new outcome. People are able to change when they believe they are competent to perform the work necessary for the change. People are ready to change when the change becomes very important to them; when this is their highest priority.

Assignment

1. Identify some condition in your life you are ambivalent about.
2. Work to resolve your ambivalence.
3. Act based on this clarity.

A Buddhist Perspective on Inner Peace

Buddhists believe that inner peace is the only peace, there is no other kind. What would external peace be? It is fruitless to pray for peace because it is already within you, you already have it, it cannot be given to you. Peace is only achieved by removing obstacles to it. Sanskrit prayers usually end with the chant “Om, shanti, shanti, shanti” Shanti is the Sanskrit word for “quietly” or “peace”.

Peace comes from removing obstacles in three areas:

1. Disturbances from other people — you cannot change other people
2. Disturbances not from other people (e.g. natural disasters, events in the past, today's weather)
3. Disturbances you cause yourself — these you can change.

Understanding what you can change and what you cannot change is the simple but often difficult path to inner peace.

The Serenity Prayer

The serenity prayer provides simple and profound wisdom on dealing with change. Here are some popular statements of that wisdom:

As the original prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.

As a request: May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ Adaptation by Meryl Runion .

As an affirmation: I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Further Reading

Students interested in learning more about what you can change and what you cannot may be interested in the following materials:

• Seligman, Martin E.P. What You Can Change and What You Can't: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement. Vintage. January 9, 2007: 336. ISBN 978-1400078400. 
• Miller, William R.; Rollnick, Stephen. Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. The Guilford Press. September 7, 2012: 482. ISBN 978-1609182274. 
• Who Moved My Cheese?: An A-Mazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life. 
• Johnson, Spencer. Who Moved My Cheese?: An A-Mazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life. Vermilion. June 1, 2006: 95. ISBN 978-0091816971. 
• McGraw, Phil. Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out. Free Press. May 6, 2003: 336. ISBN 978-1615522637.